If you want to try to mend things, you need to pick your best mode of communication, says Annalisa Barbieri
My younger sister never invites me to her house, but visits me three or four times a year. Without fail, during each visit, she will deliver me one verbal knockout blow. The things she says swim around in my head for weeks after she has visited. Her comments might concern my lifestyle; negative things that have happened that, in her opinion, I was responsible for; telling me that other family members never wanted me around (I returned to the family home after my marriage ended); or cruel observations about how I look. They are always very spiteful, hurtful remarks.
I never respond to these comments. She lives alone and has few, if any, friends. She is narrow-minded, has little interest in the outside world and, most importantly, has had severe depression in the past, during which time we didn’t speak for a few years. I am conscious of her loneliness and I do not want to make her ill.
I wonder if she behaves this way because she is resentful of me: I have had more opportunities in life and a better education. But I have reached a point where I feel as though I can take no more. What can I do?
I am not surprised you feel like this. When siblings seem to have a power imbalance, it is generally to do with perceived injustice. Plus, the sibling who does not feel they can speak freely – the one taking the emotional body blows – has usually fallen into a pattern of muteness for a reason. They often have a “hook” holding them back from saying what they want. Can you work out what it is in your case? How long has this dynamic existed?
Your sister may indeed be resentful of you. Did you get more parental attention? I would love to know what you were like as children: I think the key probably lies there. People don’t say horrible, spiteful things unless they feel rotten themselves.
I contacted Lorraine Davies-Smith, a family psychotherapist (aft.org.uk). She felt it could be helpful to try to consider how things may seem from your sister’s point of view. We were not sure if you had offered to go to her house, but your sister may feel she always puts in the effort by coming to yours. The fact she does visit you means she is interested in keeping the relationship going. Davies-Smith asked: “Does your sister know she is delivering knockout blows? What would happen if you shared how you feel? Why can’t you hold her to account?”
It sounded as if you are worried about your sister’s depression returning. I wondered why you feel responsible for that. It sounded as if you feel guilty for a lot of things regarding your sister, and guilt is a very effective straitjacket. That you are thinking about what she says for ages afterwards shows how deep the root goes. Try to follow it.
“You have two choices,” says Davies-Smith. “You can keep doing nothing, or you can do something different. With this, there are two potential outcomes: you may have a constructive conversation with your sister, or there is a possibility of conflict and maybe another ‘cut-off’. If the latter transpired, how would you feel? Relieved? Are you getting to an age where you want to sort things out once and for all?”
We wondered if you had been told to look after your sister at some point in your life and whether this was keeping you tied into what appears to be an unsatisfactory relationship.
If you want to try to mend things, you need to pick your best mode of communication. Maybe a letter? What do you want to say to her – not just about her behaviour, but about how you would like things to continue, what you really feel about her? Remember to allow space for her to respond; resolution comes from both parties being heard.
People often base their opinion of others on what they think that person thinks of them. If you knew that, deep down, your sister loved you, how would you respond? You and your sister reminded me of that Alexander Milov sculpture: two adults with their backs to each other, but with their “inner children” facing, trying to reach out. Perhaps you could be the one to turn first?
If she does not respond in a conducive way, you know you have tried everything you can. That may give you permission to move on.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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